So I went to get my driver’s license renewed and they said I’ve had my license suspended since 1995 in Massachusetts, even though I haven’t lived there since 1992 and have had three different California licenses issued since then. What’s the problem? Nobody knows. I have to call Massachusetts and straighten it out. After, no kidding, an hour and fifteen minutes on hold (good thing I have a speaker phone), it’s straightened out in ten minutes. Turns out they say I didn’t pay a speeding ticket I got in Worcester in 1991. I know I paid it back then, but, fine, whatever, here’s my credit card number, just deal with this, I say.
“Do you have a receipt or proof of payment?”
Um, no. No cancelled checks from 18 years ago drawn on a bank that doesn’t even exist anymore, no. Do you have cancelled checks from 18 years ago?
“I was in third grade, sir.”
Great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Good thing I already feel 20 years younger than I am, running around after a two-and-a-half year old. But somebody’s trying to tell me something, because I went in to my local bodega to get dinner fixins that night after all that DMV drama, and Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” was playing. I say to the college chick ringing me out, “Wayne’s World has really ruined this song for me.” She says, sorry, I don’t know it. Don’t know “Bohemian Rhapsody”? OK, 1975, but jeez, that’s some classic rock they’re playing on your classic rock station, there. Maybe even one of the greatest rock songs of all time.
“No, I don’t know Wayne’s World.”
I’m telling you, it’s not going to be long before they put me on the ice floe and kick me out to sea.